Jumbo shrimp.  Virtual reality.  Old news.  Efficient Government Agency.  Smart TSA.

These are just five examples of a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect.  Or rather, an oxymoron.

In my Social Studies class we recently learned that the TSA has developed a new screening procedure to protect the flying public (and presumably those on the ground as well).

Evidently, you can go through a scanner that has debatable levels of radiation that gives the voyeur, I’m sorry, the TSA agent a clean view of your person.

If you chose to opt-out, they will then grope, I’m sorry, pat you down in a manner that ensures you are not concealing any banned contraband.

My dad flies every week so I asked him if he had the pleasure of a pat-down or had that fancy X-Ray machine take his picture.

No to pat.

Yes to X-Ray.

He claims that his hair loss is due to the machine, but I just think he is getting old.

Anyway, he shared an idea with me that I thought the flying public and the TSA may want to employ.

Sometimes Father Does Know Best:

• The TSA requires all flyers to have their boarding passes match their government issued documents (A)
• The airline (or booking agency) has your billing address (e.g., home address) to ensure they get paid (B)
• The TSA requires information from the airlines regarding their passenger lists so they can see if they are on a No Fly List (C)
• The airlines know exactly how often you fly, to where and when (D)

Here is where the magic kicks-in . . . the Patriot Act includes Section 326 – Customer Identification Program.  In short, it says that a bank must verify your identity before opening an account.

Why?  To prevent terrorist funding of nefarious activities on our soil.

So, how does a bank know if someone is a potential threat (or stole an identity) within one-second, and the TSA has access to A, B, C, D above and yet treats every potential customer like a threat to homeland security?

Hello Government Agency.

With some very minor (if any) tweaking, the airlines could embed a code for the TSA screener to know exactly what threat level you represented.  In turn, you could then have the privilege of the appropriate security measures while my Dad shows his ID and goes right to his flight.

Evidently, a 4-year old with leg braces, an 85-year old in a wheel chair and a 26-year old of Middle Eastern decent all represent the same threat level.  Well, they do to the TSA anyway.

Why don’t we let the guys at Zynga do the programming or maybe come up with a new game:  Securityville.

The TSA, putting the moron in oxymoron.

A video for your amusement . . .